My Ordeals with Joe

I can not exactly say from when, but as far as my memory goes, I had always a companion. Throughout my life he was referenced, compared and used for calibrating me. He was a shadow and an omnipresent entity for me. I started addressing him casually as Joe when he looked friendly to me. I treated Joe as my close twin.  As I grew, as I played, and as I cried, he remained an associate. There were occasions when I tried to hide from him or get closer to him. But he remained steadfast and he remained what he was always.

My life, my living, my age and my thoughts were entwined with Joe in a very complex way. Despite my prejudice to him, till today, I followed him exactly. There is no escape for me. I would sum up my life journey with him and our experiences together. He was an obscure and complex phenomenon to explain but I can share objectively my experiences and feelings at different phases of my life.

Early life with Joe

When I was a kid and growing up, I toyed with him all along. My father was the person who always measured me with reference to him. My father used to comment “You are always behind Joe. Why are you like that? Take his progress into account in your planning. That was the way many people did for their success”. I remember whenever my father spoke of him, I used to become nervous and I was sure to trail behind him.

As a young boy and student, I was surprised that he acted like a magician, and to see that he always went ahead of me. My feelings and opinions for Joe would start positive in the mornings of the day and my opinion turned opposite by the evening of the day. It was because I would lose my race with him comprehensively when the day ended. 

My schooling phase was that I had to be in league with Joe all the time. I was compelled just to follow him to fall in the routine of the school activity. In sports, it was always a contest with Joe. I will be the winner only when I get ahead of him. I was supposed to return from my games in the evening to join my parents for dinner. I would surely miss joining them. It would make my father irritated and, invariably he would bring him into comparison. He would keep laughing at me. During examinations, I would be weary of Joe than my books and syllabus.  After the completion of the examinations, I would remain somehow rueful of him. More than being critical of my preparedness for exams, I would shift the blame onto him. I found that preparation for my competitive examinations and most of the training consisted of learning the art of taming him. My success in academics finally amounted to winning control over him. After a very long struggle, we both reconciled and decided to work as one unit and with complete coordination for the next phases of life. 

Professional Journey with Joe

That was the phase between my twentieth and sixtieth years of my age, the best period of my relationship with Joe. As I grew to be an administrator in my career, it became imminent for me to keep him always close to me and never let him slip. It was more with understanding than bigotry. I was rewarded and praised on many occasions with special mention of my teaming up with him.

After a few years, I would preach and motivate my contemporaries and juniors by telling those stories of my success with my companion. I sincerely felt my effective handling of him was the secret behind my achievements.

When Tides reversed with Joe

I entered a phase of life called “retired life”. It might look odd but I planned and expected a great deal from this phase. I thought of going through old age in a unique way.  I planned to minimize Joe’s control of my day-to-day life. People said he would continue his queer ways of taunting me.  I would wait for Joe to complete his stride and join me after finishing my turn. He took advantage of my loose personality and sagging grit. He could read my old age weakness very well and he started playing with me. I would sleep long hours and still, I would wonder why Joe would not reach me.

I would spend long hours, reading, writing and chatting. I would meet many friends and discuss politics and philosophy. When I look for him, I find that he would not progress anyway. He would look lazy and sluggish and would struggle to catch me. I was growing old and my thoughts and movements became slow. I wished him to keep company and keep pace with me at least when I became slow. That was part of my planning. That would be a big gratification to me in my advanced age. To my disappointment, he would move slower than earlier and would make me wait.     

I progressed gradually onto a wheelchair and most of the day I endeavoured to somehow see that he and I merge and conclude our turn in this life. But lately, when I am bedridden and in anguish, I realized that I wish to obliterate him, out of my helplessness.

Clock on the wall 

Lying in bed helplessly, I would stare at the clock on the wall. Eternally it ticks. I would not know why I still look for Joe to alleviate me from my ordeals of waiting. Then I would see him lurking, behind the clock.  I thought I was the close twin of Joe, but, alas, it was not true. Joe and the Clock on the wall are bonded more closely. They together played many games with me. They tricked me and made fun of me. Knowing my bondage with Joe, the clock would tick fast or slow and would embarrass me. It was not I alone, the whole world was being tricked by this pair, Joe and the Clock.

I am now a completely tired man. My exhausted eyes would gaze at the Clock, and Joe behind the clock. I see him extending his arms towards me as a mark of invitation. I feel Joe is also waiting for me to get merged into himself and he would permanently stay with the Clock on that wall to annihilate one by one and then all into itself.

*****

As you come to the end of reading this, hope you recognize who this Joe is. Or was? He is none other than Time, an important constituent of my life, your life and everyone’s life. He certainly annoyed me all through my life.

Mangalampalli Vallinath