Trouble with hating you..!
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Trouble with hating you..!
Let me…! Let me burst out with all those moments when I hate you! And how I hate you…how maddeningly overwhelmingly furiously I hate you! But hating you is like banging my head on a dumb wall, if I expect you to please and plead, oh I can’t live in a fool’s paradise, you don’t, you won’t….is it because you know I wouldn’t go anywhere, always come back to you, is it because I’m so predictable, is it because you know a little bit of provocation and I’d rush and melt into your arms! The feeling is infuriating sometimes, that I love you, that it numbs my senses, that it makes every other thing meaningless! The point is I’m not sure you feel this way!
You do love me, when you are not busy when you do not have matches to watch, when you do not have to catch up on ‘ Nation wants to know ‘, when you are not partying…you do love me then…when you send me links of songs and shayaris you’d want me to listen, you love me when you are drinking alone, you love me sometimes just like that and I lose it then. You love me in a way I want to give up on this mundane life I’m living and just I don’t know how to put it… offer myself to you…to you and you only. You love me in a way, love all my bits, all my atoms, particles…just thinking of it is orgasmic! But then these are fleeting moments, after a beautiful heavenly night of lovemaking I find you withdrawn, reclusive, distant…I find myself pining for a hangover but then I learnt it is me, me I have to live with. I curse you, despise you, loathe you…and come back to you. I find you waiting, if not dying for me.
I remind myself this is the same nonchalant cool person who can turn colder, yet we banter, laugh, tease and just when you want we make love more intense, more fulfilling. I keep telling remember the last time…
I wonder about my self-respect, my personality, how come all my existence depends on you. Strangely it does. Not that I do not have a career, not that I do not have a social life, not that I do not have a beautiful, sensitive daughter, not that I do not read, not that I haven’t enough grey cells to sustain myself, but it is you.
It is you I want to live for, it is you for whom every moment makes sense. Sounds just so selfish…my career, my family, my role in society, my desire to excel….still it’s you…in all those moments I want to live… in all those moments I wish you were not there in my life, in all those moments I regret loving you, in all those moments when I long for your messages and wish that I move on, in all those moments when I long to hate you…
That is when I love you more. I’ve been loving you for decades… that is the trouble with hating you! That I love you to the moon and back! Mushy, melodramatic, hopeless yet you made me taste love like it is …raw, wild, godly, mad, beautiful, painful. You made me drown in the sea of love, float, swim and drown again!
To the moon and back… with you and only you!
Soma Bhattacharjee