Guilty of being Myself !

Crispy, flaky ghee laden crumbs caused a riot of senses in her palate. Her teeth sank softly into the delicate skin of Balushahi, as she tried to concentrate on the whiteboard and the words of the instructor. The morning shift was over, they had to stay back for a presentation, she stole a surreptitious glance around, while some men were munching away happily the sinful delicacy, served to all with tea, most of the girls sat stoic-faced and had rejected politely! She eyed them, for most of them had not an extra inch of fat in any right or wrong place. Ah, it wasn’t surprising!

While the two ladies near her were trying to bifurcate a Samosa into half meticulously, Anu looked at her own. Samosa stared at her invitingly, maybe I’ll take out a few pieces of the humble Aloo, it won’t be as bad then, Anu fiddled!

The genY girls at the office do not roam near the Sarkari canteen, let alone savour a hot piping samosa on a rainy day. While night shifts are hard, most of her colleague’s bank on our very own chai, these girls survive on green tea!! Green tea…! Really is that even tea!!

Sometimes Anu overhears, ‘Ma’am on a diet, the Lehanga should show dashboard abs.’

Girl, get a life! Another pours in ‘Ma’am only on fruits’ With all these green tea, fruit diet, and keto diet wonder how the restaurants run actually! Super skinny girls at fancy restaurants or fast-food joints perplexed Anu! What on earth were they doing there?

She failed to get these girls. Weight had followed her like a second skin, occasional gym, exercise, walks. some changes in diet hardly put a few kilos here and there and by no means stood in the way of hot Aloo samosas with desi tea when hunger strikes or just at the sight of them. She hardly needed hunger, the sight and smell of food did it, always!!

The class was over. Girls gathered for a chit chat…
‘Ma’am look at you! Getting younger by the day.’

Of course, the comment was not meant for Anu, it was for Shipra who was on a rigorous diet… rigorous means super rigorous and has lost oodles of weight, with no carbs no grains. Anu was at her wit’s end as they had lunch together during weekdays! More compliments were thrown in for Naina who was waif-thin after her baby. Girls raved about them, they were the achievers, young girls adored them, emulated them!

Strangely in a conditioned society looking ‘young’ and ‘ thin’ was the deal clincher. Girls kept talking about their diets, how they looked ‘fat’ in a normal physique, and how they’d love to be thin. Those who were in their late thirties drooled over those who look young. Boredom crept in and Anu longed to be away! Some decent conversation, some wit, and humour were a thing of the past it seemed. They were served another round of tea before winding up. Anu sipped hers quietly, dipping the biscuits served.

‘But look at this girl’ Jayeeta ma’am few years senior to her patted her back, ‘Always bindaas…. super cool, not bothered’

‘Ma’am I know savouring food and looking plump is not in, sometimes I wonder, if this world is wrong or it’s me against the current’ Anu was her jovial self.

‘Be like you are’ Jayeeta ma’am gave her another pat.

Could she….in this make-believe world where you have to look fit and tailor-made out of conditioning… could she be herself!

Well, all these years she has been! Not obese but she has been herself, exercised when she could manage time and ate what she loved. Yes, with age lots of stuff was automatically curtailed. But it’s about being yourself not putting yourself through unrealistic restraints! Her life wasn’t unhealthy or sedentary yet she loved to celebrate, eat, love, travel, and have fun!

But then the pressure gets on…cut the tea, pakodas are a crime…samosa is a criminal!
Anu missed herself, this continuous struggle to be herself where attires did not define her nor did her fats speak for her!

Can she be tailor-made like all…. sometimes she so wanted to! Look thin and hot and diet and fantasize about outfits! That isn’t the Anu she would know any longer of course! The guilt-laden Anu who’d love a second helping of samosa sometimes to the guilt-free society defined ‘young’ restrained Anu!

Huh! Would she ever be able to conform to the ideals society has laid or munch away her guilt crispily with her fries and shakes or renounce all the pleasures for something she does not wish to achieve? She’d like to plead guilty, guilty of being herself!

Soma Bhattacharjee