Love as we do not know it!

‘We have one life, Arup’ I whispered, ‘One life…’ Now I was crying hoarsely, tears flowed unabashed, I was clutching mobile with all my might… ‘Are you there…Arup are you listening?’

‘Tell me what to do’, the voice was cool at the other end.

‘It’s only you, Arup…it’s us, there is nothing else, you know that.’

‘Yes, it’s us, only us!’

We had disconnected, work, family, chores, there was no time to shed tears and weep. I rubbed my eyes vehemently, wanting to break down. We did not meet when we were supposed to, we did not wait, we had settled, life was going fine and then we met. I think the first time we got to know what we had been looking for, what had eluded us so far.

I remembered the sort of party where we met. Met as in not for the first time, where we got to know each other, where we knew we wanted to know each other. Being in the same school for so many years we had never talked in our life! Because I was a plump, dumb nerd whom nobody took any notice of and because you were a geek giggling away with your useless group of friends! And there was no Facebook then where we could connect or chat or anything! I hardly remembered you from school and did you…from what you told me you knew me as a nerd, that too you never knew my name! When tenth results were announced, I was standing quietly, and when I was announced as a topper in two or three subjects, you and your friends hooted disgracefully, you never knew I was standing right there, watching the Junglee bunch of guys with distaste. Are all men like that dumb, can they ever see a girl through her looks, it’s so frustrating!

It wasn’t a school reunion type of thing where old crushes reignite their sparks! We met at a common friend’s place, we were kind of lost there, I guess we were kind of loners always though we tried hard to look otherwise! You had a drink, I was sipping wine and we actually talked, not sneer, tease, actually talk like sane persons. I tried to put away the distasteful image I had of you, sneering after hearing my name being called a topper! Oh, that is some girl and hooting away! Like really!

When you got to know my name, ‘You know you were the topper kind, totally out of our league types, That sheepish smile!’

I gulped my wine hard; Ah! boys of my little town won’t change ever!

‘I think you were dating Naina then!’ I smiled sweetly, ‘Your league kind she was’

Your eyes were smiling then…though you put on a facade!

‘Naina!’

‘Why what happened! Did I…? You know to open some forgotten wound! Ah, I could be good! The wine was good as well, cascading smoothly through my throat.

‘No, I mean Naina!’ You were trying not to laugh, ‘She went out with me a couple of times! I mean someone like Naina going out with me, people do remember!’ Your eyes were gleaming and amused.

I shrugged…’She was hot’

‘You bet! She was!’

My small-town home town boys! Pathetic! I needed some air. I cleared my throat for some excuse to go away.

‘Wait’ That was a kind of plea, and I stayed back.

We talked, laughed, our stupid small town memories! Surprisingly it was fun, we were laughing our hearts out at the way we had been!

‘Do you sing still?’ I asked after sometime

‘I’m surprised at your memory’

‘You sang Dil Aisa Kisi ne mera toda…most of us girls loved it’. I was smiling sheepishly now.

‘I thought I should have gone for a romantic number with guitar-sitar instead of this heartbreaking one’

‘ Well, Naina dated you after that..!’

We were laughing, catching up. You hopped in my cab, we talked until I reached my place.

‘I will find you, Manasi’ you said quietly before I got down, ‘I have found you, was it on Facebook, where you pinged me first?

‘Naina went out with me after I sang Pahla Nasha…’ I thought you would like to know was your first message.

‘Indeed she must have’

‘I am curious Manasi…what kind of guys toppers date’

‘Toppers do not date, they are dumb, ordinary-looking to be hooted at… remember!’ I shot back.

‘Tch tch…I feel for toppers.. but you know they wait for the perfect ones, toppers, they won’t settle for Naina likes!’

‘Nobody even looked at the topper kind. They’re termed as boring! Why are we discussing this anyway’

‘Manasi, would topper kinds go out with Dil Aisa kisine mera toda ones…just curious!’

We were two sane people with spouse, child, career. What made us embark on this game we had no idea, because we tried to be funny and smart, and because we read and listened to the almost same stuff. We were addicted and what started as a childish banter or flirt, we were falling in love with each other, madly and hopelessly. We did not know where to stop, like magnets we were pulled to each other. We tried to hold on to our matured selves, career and family and we did somehow. We loved our spouses, our children, only we did not know we existed for each other, only we had not met earlier, so close we were physically yet we were strangers. Now we are apart yet we are like, not like… we are soulmates!

What did I want? What did we want!

My husband was mad after reading the what’s app texts which I had left open casually. Am I going to lose him and Keya, Keya my heartbeat? I buried my head in my palms. I can plead with Varun, my husband to forgive me, I have to I know. Varun and Keya are my life, my world. Do I let go of Arup…my heart was breaking apart, I wanted to call him again? Is that why we met to know we existed…I love him, love him like no Naina ever would! Can I delete his number… should I block him!

Arup and I did not talk for long. So much was at stake, our spouses, children, families, friends. The wide rift between me and Varun I did not know how to fill in. My heart went out to Varun drinking profusely because there was nothing wrong with us, we were a normal couple, raising a lovely kid, having a decent sex life, going out with friends, sharing many passions. Why did I have to…I was such a..? I struggled to keep myself sane, channelize my entire existence to my family falling apart, I gasped for breath. Sometimes I got mad at Arup for ruining my life. I tried to move on…Varun overlooked many things. would I have done the same thing had I been at his place!

I am not so freaking good as him! I am in love, so much in love, I could give it up all! Arup, you can too… shouldn’t we give ourselves a chance…Arup, we know what we have…how can we miss it! It’s there Arup…our feelings are alive and kicking!

We could not give up, me and Arup on our spouses, on our kids, on our parents, on the various social knots we had tied ourselves to. We did not give up on each other as well… occasional phone calls, some unadulterated laughter, some adult coffee dates…

Call us what you will…we exist!

Soma Bhattacharjee

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