The Life and Lies of a ‘Fangirl’

An intellectual is what I thought of myself at the age of eight when I first began showing signs of being an obsessive fangirl. “Who’s your favourite musician?” I had asked a few of my classmates, and they answered with the most mainstream of answers – Justin Bieber. 

Justin Bieber

“He’s so cute!” they had squealed, eliciting no more than a scoff, because of course, who else? Nothing personal against Justin; I just don’t vibe with him. And then to my horror, I was dragged into an intense discussion of “I think Justin and Selena are a thing.”

I was a stranger – the weird emo kid in the corner who liked Linkin Park and MCR unlike the rest of my peers who were already knee-deep in the American pop scene. 

“What do you like the most on TV?” I was asked, and I promptly answered, “Barbie!” only to be laughed at. 

“That’s so childish. I like Hannah Montana, and Suite Life of Zack and Cody.”

But I liked what I liked, and peer pressure wasn’t something that worked on me. I was (still am) unwaveringly loyal – a very necessary trait to be a successful fangirl. I didn’t like the fact that I was looked down upon for not knowing what was up with Taylor Swift or Leonardo DiCaprio, so I pulled the Uno reverse card. 

“Hey, have you listened to Teenage Dream?”

“Have you listened to Burning in the Skies?”

“…”

“…”

“Understandable, have a nice day.”

My disinterest towards a healthy social life was perhaps what instigated me to busy myself with troubled songs and comics – the ultimate emo kid starter pack. My Bestie™, thoroughly fed up with my “I am not like other girls” energy, smacked my face with Enid Blyton’s The Famous Five, and suddenly I wanted an island too! Two years, and I read every single children’s novella Blyton had penned. Books became an obsession; I’d rather have read Frances Hodgson Burnett than having watched Camp Rock. Again, nothing against the Jonas Brothers.

The fangirl in me surfaced that year when I was introduced to what they called the three evils – K-dramas, Nancy Drew, and One Direction. I became the very person I had ridiculed for liking pretty boys, but hey at least Harry Styles convinced me that I was beautiful, just unaware. My obsession for Nancy Drew paved the way for Hardy Boys to come through, which then paved way for Sherlock Holmes and Agatha Christie, but that was much later into my adolescence.

Hotel Del Luna (k drama)

My first sleepover with the Bestie™, and I was pressured into binging the cult-classic K-drama Boys Over Flowers, which was pretty much shit now that I think of it. But I was in love with Lee Minho. And for the next two years, I stuck to K-movies and dramas, before I was sucked into the black hole that was K-pop.

2014, and I was a madman. It was the darkest year – no light, no escape in sight. The Bestie™ had smacked me in the face with the Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. “Stop reading books by dead white people and read books by alive white people.” A week later, I was a Potterhead, three weeks later, I was also a Demigod. In the next few months, I was neck-deep in all contemporary book series (except Twilight; never Twilight). And I was naïve enough to think that it wouldn’t get worse.

BTS

YouTube recommended me something called EXO 엑소 ‘으르렁 (Growl)’ MV (Korean Ver.), the final nail to my coffin. Four MVs later, autoplay led me to Boy In Love by BTS, and I was done for it. EXO’s discography had been perfection, mostly, but BTS’ was my soul music. Skool Love Affair found its way to my playlists, and it was Cypher Pt. 2: Triptych that fanned the flames of this fangirl into a steady bonfire.

MAMAMOO

But oh no, it wasn’t the end. December of 2014, and I was pleasantly surprised by the song Piano Man by a new group called MAMAMOO. I was still a tame fangirl in comparison; limited to one or two music videos per month due to the scarce and stringent internet availability in my immediate vicinity. 

For the next two years, I existed in equilibrium with the West and the East. But then, I was displaced from my peace, with the advent of cheap 4G internet. With MCR disbanding in 2013, Zayn leaving One Direction in 2015, and Chester Bennington’s death in 2017, my interest in western music waned. And as K-pop took over the world by a storm, I was washed away. 

Linkin Park

Books slowly lost their appeal as I indulged myself in fan-fiction. The bonfire that was burning brightly for three years erupted violently into a massive fiendfyre The immense love that I had for Linkin Park was overshadowed by my love for BTS, which was again overshadowed by what I have for MAMAMOO. Hours upon hours were spent on old content that now had subtitles and K-dramas with better plot lines. 

I was now a skeleton of the healthy fangirl that I was in the past. I acquired an irregular sleep schedule, the fear of missing out, and the immense desire to crack someone’s head open when they ridiculed K-pop. 

To some extent, it is a learning curve. I have been in a lot of fandoms, and I have been a member of a fair number of forums and chatrooms. Exposure to a worldwide fanbase brings with it the knowledge that doesn’t come with consumable, biased media. “Why do you like K-pop?” is a question I have been asked many times. I usually pull the Uno reverse here too. “Why do you like Western pop?”

I don’t have a definitive answer to the question, but I do feel like it’s the similarity in culture and beliefs that have kept me in the loop. The thing about K-pop is that it’s not only the music that draws you in, unlike books and western media where you’re only there for the content that you signed up for. Fan culture makes the experience a tad better. I thought I was a mad fangirl then, but now you can call me a monster. 

But real life catches up to you, and you have to prioritize.

Stanning groups left and right as I did is quite troublesome, and it’s quite a bother to keep up with so many comebacks, behind the scenes, specials and fan-cams. I’ve stopped trying to keep up with all of them, choosing to focus on one, and I can’t bring myself to let go. 

MAMAMOO, in all their glory, will forever remain my ultimate favorite, and in the years to come, I know for a fact that I’ll remain their salesperson and try to convert anyone who comes my way into their fan as I did with my Bestie™ and my Bestie#2. I made it to the peak and I’ve planted the seed in my baby sister. Now, I just have to wait and water her into a flowering fangirl! 

Anahi